Many years ago I read a book called How To Survive In The Nick by an old lag named Jonathan Marshall. I was unfortunate enough to mention this recently to Michael Stone, who promptly came up with his own guide. In a letter dated 10.05.09 and MAY 10, 2009 (take your pick!) Stoney sent me four pages of this guff. They are reproduced below verbatim – mistakes and all.
Don’t give up the day job, geez.
Alexander Baron
Sydenham,
London
May 18, 2009
TIPS ON
HOW TO SURVIVE IN PRISON
1 Always keep your chin up, held high, but
never look no-one in the eye.
2 Don't let the buggers grind you down.
3 Do keep a sense of humour - the sicker
the better.
4 Be humble, always let others have
the last say - they'll love you for it.
5 Make the appropriate sounds when
people really talk, like: "Yeah!", "Ooh!",
"Really!"
6 Grow a thick skin - you'll need it.
7 Always remember, no-one likes to hear
the truth - it generally offends.
8 Be humble and portray yourself as
weak and flimsy - yo'll be loved
for it because it will help the others
convince themselves they really are hard.
9 But always pretend you possess large
quantities of bravery - other cons
are mainly cowards and they'll shy
away from bravery - even if it's in
a 'weak' brave person.
10 Always totally agree with everything
anybody says - even if you know
they are talking rubbish.
11 Don't succumb to vices; don't do
tobacco, booze or drugs, don't gamble,
don't do shirtlifting.
12 Become bacterially and virally aware -
prisons are loaded with aids and contagious
viruses - cons are only to pleased to
share their deadly infections.
13 Never say "NO" when asked for something;
use tact - politely say you ain't got
none...
14 But be sure to keep what you
have got well out of sight.
15 Don't be a groveller - even the
guards hate 'brown-tongues'.
16 Don't tell the guards on other people
as everyone hates a rat.
17 Always say what 'they' want to hear,
remorse etc. Unless you are innocent,
in which case you'll be crucified for
being "un-cooperative".
18 Buy a set of headphones and CD/Radio
so you can blank-out background noices
when things get to loud and in yer face.
19 Overcome your own fears, but most
of all show no fear at all - or it'll
get took for weakness.
20 Overcome you own anger to - because
it'll be used against you by some
manipulative so-and-so.
21 Don't drink coffee - it only keeps
you awake at night which makes
you do more jail time.
22 Use tissues to block up any gaps around
the heating pipes - so your neighbours
can't pester you after bang up or
make allegations you confessed to
some crime.
23 Don't trust anybody - nobody is
trustable.
24 Remember, anything you say (or don't)
can be taken down, twisted around
and used against you.
25 Study Law - then you can make
good wages giving dodgy legal advice out.
You can always blame the 'crooked' courts
if their cases go pearshaped.
26 Never believe nobody - if you see
anyone's lips moving you know they
are lying.
27 Always burp and far loudly - otherwise
people will think you are stuck up.
28 Never, ever, say "Sorry" to anybody -
it is just not the done thing - unless
he has a Knife in his hand...
29 Use the 'double-flush' - when
you sit on the loo for a number two press
the flusher as your turd his water
so it's gone straight away. Then flush
again when you've done the wiping
business: This stops rumours going
around that your cell stinks of shit.
30 But if there's any weirdos paying
too much interest in you, forget
the double-flush - the smell of
your shit should hopefully discourage them.
31 Last, but by no means least, don't
forget to buy porridge from the
prison canteen - because contrary
to popular belief the prison
doesn't give you porridge for
breakfast - you have to buy it!!
Michael Stone
09.05.09
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